Sunday, May 3, 2009

Fine Tuning: An Argument from Masturbation

A simple glance at the universe will convince an honest observer that yes, the universe is fine-tuned, specifically for the existence of life -- especially human life. For those fools who would deny this exceedingly obvious fact, reason is offered in the form of the "Fine-Tuning Argument."

Please, don't confuse this argument with the Chinese song played at the beginning of any orchestral performance, known as "Tu-Ning." This argument is very different, and is not a song.

The "Fine-Tuning Argument" generally illustrates, through various specious claims regarding the assumed probabilities that various natural constants might have the values we today measure, versus some other arbitrary set of values which we might otherwise see. Additionally, the argument draws from probability itself, typically assigning a vanishingly small number to the likelihood that the universe might unfold in its currently observed form. The argument is compelling only to those who are unfamiliar with mathematics (e.g., those who believe that if
a = b + c, that 1/a = 1/b + 1/c), and, as one may be able to deduce from the opening statements in this post, the argument is superfluous: the universe is obviously fine-tuned. Who needs an argument when we have intuition and obviousness...?

All that being said, it is nonetheless useful to promote a version of the Fine-Tuning Argument, which, for posterity's sake, I shall hereby abbreviate as the Fine-Tuning Argument for the existence of God: the FAG.

The best version of FAG is the argument which recognizes the incredible unlikelihood that any of us might have come to existence, considering the fact that we each -- well, the vast majority of us -- arose from a single sperm. A sperm which, had our fathers been a little more aggressive, or a little less sensitive, may have ended up in a sock, or a tissue, or otherwise spilled on the dusty ground.

In this form, the FAG notes that in any given ejaculation, as few as 200 million sperm are ejected from the penis during a typical ejaculation, and thus, the odds that the individual sperm which defines each of us are vanishingly small, especially when we consider the masturbatory practices of our fathers, or even the ejaculatory frequency he exhibited -- with or without assistance from our mothers. The odds get smaller still when we recognize that the particular configuration of genetic material contained in any given sperm necessary to produce the genetic configuration we see in ourselves is yet again far, far more unlikely. The 1:200 million probability quickly gives way to something like 1:god-must-have-done-it. It's the only way that Dad's propensity to dolphin-flog could've been mitigated!

Clearly, then, if our fathers had jizzed one more time before that final, self-defining spurt, or if "the other man" had gushed more forcefully before our actual father, the sperm which defines us could've ended up as a snack for Mommy. If one is unconvinced by the intuitively obvious evidence surrounding us daily, the FAG (Masturbation) should prove enough to change one's mind. The next time, then, you find yourself enjoying a little quality time alone, think of how your self-gratification is providing further irrefutable evidence of the Fine-Tuning of the universe.

Coming up in a possible future: a discussion on Deductive Ontology Used to Commit Hubris Explicitly -- DOUCHE -- which is sometimes appended as the Bullshit Argument for the existence of God -- DOUCHEBAG. If this possible future obtains, expect the world's largest DOUCHEBAG, Sye TenBruggencate, to be prominently featured, with special attention payed to his inability to read, and his utter failure in his "debate" with Darrin.


ExPatMatt said...

I've got to hand it to you, that was beautifully done - and the happy ending (that you'd be doing a follow-up) was the cream on the cake.


Kerri Love said...

LMAO and that's all I'm saying about that

freddies_dead said...

It should be wankingly obvious to anyone after such a concise and compelling argument.

Werd Ver. sirrouse (I kid you not).

Dan +†+ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dan +†+ said...

Thanks for giving "rise" to the FAG argument. The argument, FAG, is a hard one to swallow for non believers... Now I feel all icky sticky in need of a cleansing.

That brilliant mind of yours is very similar to masturbation itself. They are both a waste of good goo. Please repent so we all can enjoy that mind goo for eternity. Wait, that sounded gay.

Sye TenB said...


I'd say this borders on obsession Stan, The Hat-Wearing Feller :-D

Stan, the Half-Truth Teller said...

I'm obsessed? I'm not the one checking out the Google results of my own name every day. I don't even check my own blog every day.

Get over yourself, fathead.


Sye TenB said...

"I don't even check my own blog every day.".

I don't blame ya. :-D

Froggie said...

Well done, Stan. I can't quit laughing!

I think Sye is a TAGer as well as a FAGer.


Froggie said...

"Wait, that sounded gay."

That should be the least of your worries......

rhiggs said...

The argument is compelling only to those who are unfamiliar with mathematics (e.g., those who believe that if a = b + c, that 1/a = 1/b + 1/c)

I think I know who you are referring to here. For the sake of fairness, I'll call him D Marvin. No wait, that's too obvious... Let's say Dan M.

Anonymous said...


This was beautiful. Though I have the feeling I read something similar somewhere else.


Since math reflect the way god thinks, if a = b + c, then 1/a = 1/b + 1/c. Right?


Anonymous said...

Oh, sorry, you wrote this in May. SO I had read it before!


zilch said...

Wow, what a great post, and what a prestigious group of commentators you have here, my little pretty! Luckily the beer was safely down the hatch before I read.

cheers from rainy Vienna, zilch